Thursday, August 23, 2012
5 months and 10 days ago he informed me that he could no longer be a husband. My world shattered. I felt like I died. As he rolled over and went to sleep after taking a wrecking ball to my world I crashed and burned. I could not function. Two whole weeks I slept and cried. That was basically it.
I Thank God, my babies, friends and my family for getting me to where I am now. I AM a little bit stronger everyday. Some days are steps backwards but for the most part steps forward. In the last 5 months there has been the most soul searching in my life. I don't even want to back track to explain all the catastrophic events that have happened. I want to look forward and keep track of my growth.
The last big events that have defined my strength was 7/27 I filed for divorce. NOT because I want this, NOT to be a bitch, NOT for any other reason but to say I cant take this limbo anymore. I don't think he ever thought I would do it, and really I didn't think I ever would either! I fought this every step of the way! Even after him telling me he wanted out, after he told me he's involved with another woman, after I found out this wasn't the first time he cheated on me, after he moved out and into her home, bed and family. Even after all that I still wanted my family to stay together! I did everything in my power to keep my family together and I failed. I have been stuck in this limbo for too long and finally got to the point where something needed to be done. I was sick to my stomach driving to the courthouse. I thought it would be a quick trip in and out. HA! Boy was I wrong! I was inline for about an hour to turn in the forms! JOY. standing behind two guys bitching about how their ex's are such a pain and other choice words... fun times NOT! Walking out I felt a slight bit of relief but anxiety dumped on me at the same time. The fear of what he will say or do when I tell him I filed. Still in shock that our marriage came to this. When I married, I married until death do us part! I NEVER thought Id ever get divorced and I HATE him for making me a single mom, and my children now being from a "broken home". Kills me every time I think of that! My children didn't even know what divorce was until this! Miss thing knew what adultery was, but not what divorce was! Well, I guess some life lessons come unplanned. Not exactly in the lesson plans this year, guess someone penciled that lesson in without my consent!
Week and half later I told him I filed. It didn't go so well. One would think he and his.... whatever she is, would be ecstatic that the process was started! Not so much. He was furious. But I did it. I was upset about his reaction but I was relieved I finally told him.
The week after that I had him served. That also didn't go as I had expected. I thought I was ready. I really did. We were at his moms (I know weird huh?) Once he was served and the forms were filled out, I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I had to go for a walk. I walked out of the house and burst into tears! I texted my friend who's husband also walked out the same week as he did. I told her I had him served and I didn't expect it to be as emotional as it was. I was confused by my emotions. I was almost mad at myself for still feeling! I walked around the neighborhood for a bit until the kids and his mom came out to find me and get ready to go home. I tried to compose myself. Then walked back to the car where everyone was. Great, now I have to drive half an hour with this man! Kill me now.
The following day I turned in the form that stated he was served and as far as I know starts the 6 month cooling off period here in California. If I calculate it right and everything goes smoothly (HA!) we will be officially divorced 2 days before my 37th birthday. Great. I will be an almost 40 year old single mom. (You can feel the sarcasm dripping off that statement right?) So here I am, 5 months 10 days after being first informed the life I have known for the last 10 years will come to an end. I pray daily for strength, guidance, and to learn whatever it is I am meant to learn from this.
Things I have learned:
~Don't rely on any one person for everything. Especially happiness!
~Sometime people don't deserve second chances.
~DON'T lose yourself!
~Lean on the people that are there for you (Still have a hard time doing this, but working on it)
~Lord works in mysterious ways.
~Need to stop listening to country music. Songs are either about what I want or what I'm going through. Need to get back to some head banging heavy metal! lol
~Listen to that gut instinct!
~God has a plan, certain people come into and out of our lives for a reason. I am seeing some of that clearly now!
Favorite songs at the moment:
~Little bit Stronger by Sara Evans
~Stronger by Kelly Clarkson
~If I were a Boy by Beyonce
~We are Never gonna get back Together by Taylor Swift
~Better then Revenge by Taylor Swift
~Leave the Pieces by The Wreckers