AAAgghhhh!!!!!

Can I just scream?

 I want to scream!

 I NEED to scream!

 I need to.... I don't know! 

I'm overwhelmed, stressed and frustrated!

Ya know when things seam to bottle up inside and there is no release and something is about to give? That's where I feel I am. I NEED something for ME! I need a spa day, or weekend, or week or month or year! Something is going to blow!

Misty eyed

Obviously I still get emotional sometimes... I'm a woman I cant help it! One of the things that KILLS ME is the fact that I'm now a "single mom" and that the kids are now from a "broken home". Brings me to tears every time I think about those two phrases. My kids deserve better! They deserve a happy family that everyone loves and respects each other, Not This!!!

I was talking to a friend about that exact thing and I was told "They have a happy family... YOU are the happy family... They don't have a broken home. They have a home, yes it may be different then some of their friends, but its still a happy home as long as YOU make sure of that..."

Seriously brought even more tears to my eyes. I pray they are happy. I know they are going through alot. They both have emotional outbursts, easy to cry, easy to fight, etc. I know this is just as painful for them as it is for me, if not more! I pray I can make them happy and feel safe.

Goals

New new goals are:

1)Try to get a hang of school again. We home school through a public charter,  www.k12.com  This year, besides all the other craziness in life, will be a difficult one. They changed some subjects on us this year so even though I've already taught first grade phonics and LA through this program, its all new! So learning that all over. And third grade LA is about to kill me! It's not that its hard but there is just a lot to it, and jumping from book to book. So anyways, I just gotta try to get a handle on that and get it down to some sort of a system.

2) Try to find the motivation to start cooking for the *family* again. I am SO blessed to still have my babies with me the majority of the time but I still feel I have lost my family and its difficult to get into cooking dinners. Especially when I feel its a lot easier and most times even cheaper to just run through drive thru for me and the kids. I used to cook large meals and he would eat alot and then take the rest for lunch. People say, "Easy, just cook less" but ugh its just not that simple. You know we all get into routines and cook the same meals and know how much to make, etc etc. I just don't have my heart into it anymore. Almost like I should have a dinner guest every night! lol If only I could afford that I would! I love having people over!!

3) Find something to do for ME! Hahaha this is kinda funny! I never really do anything for me. I'm a people pleaser and I like making others happy and doing things for others. Period. My family always came #1 to me. No question about that. Even back when I was able to scrap all the time. That was my ME time, but even that was for the kids. My mom passed when I was 20 and didn't have any scrapbooks and didn't have many pictures of her. I vowed to never leave my children without some sort of legacy. So yea.... I don't know how or what but I really hope to start finding time to something for ME! What? What is it I should do? Id like to go to the gym and get my body back into shape, but with the kids all the time I cant afford my membership and the childcare. Scrapbooking is kinda out for now because I'm not happy with life right now and its difficult to scrap when I'm not happy, and going back to older pictures to scrap wont happen either because it would hit me a bit too emotional, oh yea and the pictures are kinda unavailable at the moment because he put them on an external hard drive and now unable to get them. Ugh...

That's it for now.

Stronger

5 months and 10 days ago he informed me that he could no longer be a husband. My world shattered. I felt like I died. As he rolled over and went to sleep after taking a wrecking ball to my world I crashed and burned. I could not function. Two whole weeks I slept and cried. That was basically it.

 I Thank God, my babies, friends and my family for getting me to where I am now. I AM a little bit stronger everyday. Some days are steps backwards but for the most part steps forward. In the last 5 months there has been the most soul searching in my life. I don't even want to back track to explain all the catastrophic events that have happened. I want to look forward and keep track of my growth.

The last big events that have defined my strength was 7/27 I filed for divorce. NOT because I want this, NOT to be a bitch, NOT for any other reason but to say I cant take this limbo anymore. I don't think he ever thought I would do it, and really I didn't think I ever would either! I fought this every step of the way! Even after him telling me he wanted out, after he told me he's involved with another woman, after I found out this wasn't the first time he cheated on me, after he moved out and into her home, bed and family. Even after all that I still wanted my family to stay together! I did everything in my power to keep my family together and I failed. I have been stuck in this limbo for too long and finally got to the point where something needed to be done. I was sick to my stomach driving to the courthouse. I thought it would be a quick trip in and out. HA! Boy was I wrong! I was inline for about an hour to turn in the forms! JOY. standing behind two guys bitching about how their ex's are such a pain and other choice words... fun times NOT! Walking out I felt a slight bit of relief but anxiety dumped on me at the same time. The fear of what he will say or do when I tell him I filed. Still in shock that our marriage came to this. When I married, I married until death do us part! I NEVER thought Id ever get divorced and I HATE him for making me a single mom, and my children now being from a "broken home". Kills me every time I think of that! My children didn't even know what divorce was until this! Miss thing knew what adultery was, but not what divorce was! Well, I guess some life lessons come unplanned. Not exactly in the lesson plans this year, guess someone penciled that lesson in without my consent!

Week and half later I told him I filed. It didn't go so well. One would think he and his.... whatever she is, would be ecstatic that the process was started! Not so much. He was furious. But I did it. I was upset about his reaction but I was relieved I finally told him.

 The week after that I had him served. That also didn't go as I had expected. I thought I was ready. I really did. We were at his moms (I know weird huh?) Once he was served and the forms were filled out, I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I had to go for a walk. I walked out of the house and burst into tears! I texted my friend who's husband also walked out the same week as he did. I told her I had him served and I didn't expect it to be as emotional as it was. I was confused by my emotions. I was almost mad at myself for still feeling! I walked around the neighborhood for a bit until the kids and his mom came out to find me and get ready to go home. I tried to compose myself. Then walked back to the car where everyone was. Great, now I have to drive half an hour with this man! Kill me now.

The following day I turned in the form that stated he was served and as far as I know starts the 6 month cooling off period here in California. If I calculate it right and everything goes smoothly (HA!) we will be officially divorced 2 days before my 37th birthday. Great. I will be an almost 40 year old single mom. (You can feel the sarcasm dripping off that statement right?) So here I am, 5 months 10 days after being first informed the life I have known for the last 10 years will come to an end. I pray daily for strength, guidance, and to learn whatever it is I am meant to learn from this.

 Things I have learned:
~Don't rely on any one person for everything. Especially happiness!
~Sometime people don't deserve second chances.
~DON'T lose yourself!
~Lean on the people that are there for you (Still have a hard time doing this, but working on it)
~Lord works in mysterious ways.
~Need to stop listening to country music. Songs are either about what I want or what I'm going through. Need to get back to some head banging heavy metal! lol
~Listen to that gut instinct!
~God has a plan, certain people come into and out of our lives for a reason. I am seeing some of that clearly now!

 Favorite songs at the moment:
~Little bit Stronger by Sara Evans
~Stronger by Kelly Clarkson
~If I were a Boy by Beyonce
~We are Never gonna get back Together by Taylor Swift
~Better then Revenge by Taylor Swift
 ~Leave the Pieces by The Wreckers